45. True Happiness and Something Shaped Like Hope

Author: Kiki
Raw: https://novel18.syosetu.com/n2498fn/48/
Translator: Lilia v4
Editor: Yuriko AYA

What does it mean to be human?
Kishiri turned the question over whenever her mind cleared, even as Ashera and Lalilalai—who had arrived later—worked her body between their hands. No answer came.
Pride, honor, dignity—none of these belonged to her.
She had been raised from birth to be a tool.
She received orders. She protected other people’s pride. Her own will never entered into it.
Even so, she had refused to become something other than human.
If that refusal did not come from dignity, perhaps it came from instinct: the species trying to keep itself alive.
They say that when a human life is in danger, the wish to bear a child rises of its own accord.
The species refuses.
It is not the wish of the individual.
A life, in the end, is only a journey toward the most complete self-satisfaction one can manage.
If that is so, what meaning is there in being bound to the human species at all?
It had taken a long time—but Kishiri was, at last, beginning to accept that the meaning was none.

Everything was being overwritten by pleasure.
Even the instincts imprinted at birth thinned and faded before something so overwhelming.

Lalilalai’s tongue entered through her mouth and filled her lungs.
Ashera forced her throat open as well, twisting a long tongue down until it occupied her stomach.
In a “sane” state, the act would have been impossible to accept. Repeated often enough, the resistance vanished.
Now she asked for it herself. She wanted them inside her again.
The faintly warm, soft tongues moving through her chest and belly had become, to her, something precious.

So she wished to give something back.
After they had ruined her from within, she pushed Lalilalai down in turn, and when Ashera leaned close she met her mouth.
They scattered saliva, tangled those long tongues, and drove the joined length into Lalilalai’s throat.
They kept that kiss going inside her, sinking it as far as the stomach.
The sensation of her gullet being scraped drew a glad, strangled cry from Lalilalai.
Kishiri and Ashera used the sound like a drug, and answered it with sweet, broken voices of their own.

There was no longer any part of Kishiri they had not claimed.
From her feet to the crown of her head they had mapped her, and the inside of her was no exception.
Shadows sank into flesh and stroked every fiber of muscle with care.
Every opening the body possessed was reached as far as reach would go.
Organs they could not arrive at from without were taken up in their hands after her belly was opened, and tasted directly.
The heart was the worst of it. Each touch sent a pleasure so violent she thought she might die, and her mind went white.
The first time they opened her, she had screamed in terror. She grew used to it soon enough.
Perhaps an ordinary person would not.
She was made to grow used to it.
Because it felt good.
Once a human understands that an act is giving pleasure, vigilance collapses at once.
Heart and body begin to fit themselves to what is no longer human.

It went on like that, again and again.
At last Kishiri told them, of her own will:

“I want it—I want to become … the same as you two. A Demi-Vamp!”

She no longer needed the shadow lurking in her brain.
Goodbye to a cramped world.
Hello to a bottomless swamp.
Humans decide, on their own authority, that the highest thing is to be rewarded after suffering.
That is wrong. It is only an excuse for compromise.
Nothing surpasses a happiness that lasts.
Everyone, in truth, already knew it.

◇◇◇

 

Kishiri lay on the bed with her mouth open, her tongue out, panting in little excited bursts, waiting for something.
The hands clasped at her chest, the loose, abandoned sprawl of her legs—taken together, she looked less like a knight than a loyal dog prostrate before its master.
Ashera and Lalilalai opened their hands, palms up, and brought their fingertips toward her mouth.
With their other hands they lengthened their nails, set the points to their own wrists, and pressed.
The tips pierced skin, split flesh; blood welled, slow and dark.
They pressed harder. The cuts deepened. The crimson that spilled from them increased.
Neither face showed pain.
They could take pleasure from having their bellies opened. There was nothing strange in looking ecstatic while they cut their own wrists.
The blood ran across their palms, down their fingers, and fell in drops that wet Kishiri’s lips.
A slick tongue rose from inside her mouth and licked it away.
The flow quickened with time, pouring into her in a steady stream.
She wound it around her tongue, tasted it, and swallowed with open delight.

“(Their blood is so sweet … iron, and sugar, and perfect … drinking it like this, it’s as if I’ve already become a vampire …!)”

Thoughts giddy beyond anything the old Kishiri would have permitted, she drank the red nectar down.
Her body rejected magic from without; charm would not take on her.
So Lalilalai had asked Chigusa what one did, in a case like that, if one wished to enthrall someone.
This had been the answer.
If the outside would not serve, use the inside—give her blood dense with magical power.
Even so, it required far more power than ordinary charm. Two of them, together, were enough.

Kishiri’s cheeks, throat, and collar grew wet with blood, and her body advanced, little by little, through the preparations required to become a Demi-Vamp.
When she had taken in so much that her belly rounded with it, it rose at last.
The Mark.
A red heart with devilish wings. The moment they confirmed the pattern, their wounds closed as if they had never been.
Kishiri looked up, unsatisfied.
Ashera stretched her tongue to Kishiri’s left cheek and licked, slow and wet.

“Hyaaaaah!”

Kishiri’s voice leapt, high and sweet; her body jerked.
Lalilalai set her lips to Kishiri’s ear and whispered.

“Preparations are finished, Kishiri.”
“Ah … aah. I … I can finally become one …”
“Yes. Let us. Let us fall. Into our family.”

At the word family, Kishiri’s face bloomed.
She had been happy enough already.
If she stopped being human, if she became true family—how many times greater would the happiness be?
The thought alone made her chest swell.
There was not a shred left of physiological disgust, nor of any wish to remain human.
She opened both arms and spoke in a coaxing, catlike voice.

“Ashera, Lalilalai, please … hurry. Do it.”

They supported her and sat her up.
Ashera set her mouth to Kishiri’s throat in the ordinary way. Lalilalai turned back Kishiri’s skirt and set her mouth to the thigh.
They opened their mouths to bite—and a knock sounded at the door.
A voice followed.

“Kishiri. Are you there?”

It was Lily.
Kishiri looked put out at a visit timed so perfectly to spoil the moment.
Ashera only grinned and made a suggestion.

“Convenient guest, isn’t she. Let her celebrate your send-off.”

Ah. That was a good idea. Kishiri nodded.
And she invited Lily in.

“It’s all right. Come in.”

Suspecting nothing, Lily stepped into a realm that was no longer human.
She had probably had no particular errand. She had come to idle away time in Kishiri’s company; that was all.
Her expression, softer than usual, proved as much.
That gentleness froze the instant she saw Kishiri sitting on the bed, soaked in blood, with Ashera and Lalilalai seated on either side of her as if in an embrace.

“What … are you doing?”

The scene had not existed even in imagination. Thought itself stopped.
The blood on Kishiri—where had it come from? Why was her mouth wet with it?
And Ashera and Lalilalai: what were they doing in this room?
The two of them were one thing. Kishiri should have had no connection with them at all—
Questions rose in a swarm.
The answer presented itself without effort.

“Ha … ah, nnaaaaah …”

They began to feed, as if to show Lily.
Fangs sank into Kishiri’s throat and thigh. Fresh blood ran. At the same time, a seed that was not human was poured into her.

“Wha—what is this? Why are you biting—it can’t be—?!”

Lily knew this act.
Camilla’s figure grazed her mind.
I killed her. It cannot be—she wanted to doubt it. The reality before her eyes would not permit looking away.
There was no room for doubt.
And Ashera and Lalilalai had been behaving strangely even before this.
If it was the effect of becoming vampires, that strangeness, too, fell into place.

“That knights of all people should have fallen to such depravity—! As captain of the order, I will not permit it!”

Lily drew her sword and, without further question, cut at Ashera first.
She knew, even as she did it.
In skill, in power, the difference was already incomparable.
Now that Ashera was no longer human, there was not the faintest prospect of victory.

“Kh—?!”

Lily’s body struck an invisible wall.
The wall, made of shadow, was soft as a cushion; she was unhurt.
That consideration only rasped her nerves worse.
She swung with all she had, trying to cut through.
No physical blow was going to break it.

“Ah … nnaaah … haaaaahn!”

Meanwhile the feeding went on.
Kishiri’s toes stretched taut. She clutched the sheets and endured the pleasure as best she could.
Little by little, strength left her.
Human death was approaching with certainty—Lily could see it.
The skin paled. Mixed with the smell of blood, a faintly sweet scent of the body was growing stronger.

“Stop it—no further! Kishiri, why won’t you resist?! Run. Now!”
“Nnh … kh, hah … fufu … Lily …”
“Kishiri?!”
“Why … hau, nnh … do you … cling … to being … human …?”
“What are you saying …?”
“It’s meaningless … because being human is … only bitter … and hard … it’s so much better … to stop … it feels … so good … I’m … happy …!”
“That cannot be! Do not throw away your pride as a human being—do not yield to monsters! Surrender yourself to a moment’s pleasure and only hell waits!”

Lily called to her with everything she had.
Kishiri’s answer was cold.

“Liar.”
“Wha—”
“Hell is … being human … this side is … heaven … ah, hah … nnh, ah, o—oooooh …!”

Kishiri’s body shuddered once, harder than before—and then she did not move.
The change in her skin had reached the whole of her.
Lily understood. The feeding was complete.
It was too late.
Ashera and Lalilalai lifted their mouths from her skin.
Saliva mixed with blood drew threads between them.
They wiped their lips with their wrists and turned red eyes on Lily.
They had always looked down on her, always mocked her. Today was different.
Pity. Tenderness.
Lily felt that look, and a deep chill went through her.

“Kishiri’s right. There’s nothing good in clinging to being human.”
“In the end they are creatures who can only hate one another. We are different now. We can love even those we once despised. Look. Like this.”

Ashera and Lalilalai began, for Lily’s benefit, to tangle their long tongues.
Their gazes tangled as well. It looked like nothing so much as lovers.
Even Lily, who had little experience of such things, understood.
They were in love. That, at least, was probably true.
She could not allow herself to admit it.
Even if love were there, what was not human was not human.
They were targets for elimination. Base creatures. They did not reach the feet of noble humankind.

“Ah … ehehe … Ashera … Lalilalai …”

Then Kishiri, waking as a Demi-Vamp, joined them.
She opened her mouth wide and began to taste the saliva dripping from their joined tongues.

“Ah … Kishiri, you can’t …”
“It’th … nishu, slurp … nnhfu, it’th good, you know? Lily, humans … can’t do this … they never can … slurp … so … come here …”

Kishiri pooled the fluid in her mouth, worked it, swallowed.
Lily could not bear to look.
The whole scene was filth.

So she had been right. She had not been wrong.
Lily was certain of it.
When she had cut Camilla down, the guilt of killing a friend had weighed on her. That, too, had been correct.
A thing like this—this hideous communion—was something a human being ought to deny.

Sadly, she had no strength left to resist the three of them.
She would withdraw.
She would call the other knights, and they would defeat them together.
The enemy was formidable, but with Saints, David, Narkil, and Madis, numbers would be on their side.
If she summoned Leia, who was called a witch, and mobilized the soldiers as well, they would win. They had to win.

“Hah, hah, hah …!”

This was not flight.
Even if her legs had given out, even if her body shook too hard to move as she wished, even if she could only crawl on all fours, she was not turning her back on reality.
Sweat burst from her whole body.
She was strangely cold. The wetness of the sweat made it worse.
Even after she left the room, the sound of tongues and Kishiri’s unbearably sweet cries seemed to cling to her ears. When they finally faded, she sat in the corridor with her back to the wall.

“I did nothing. They were right there, and I— … No. Enough. I can regret later. Right now I gather our strength and—”
“Captain. Are you there?”
“… Madis?”

What a coincidence.
The man she had been about to fetch was already nearby.
Lily stood and looked for him.
He was not in this corridor, at least.
And yet his voice sounded unnaturally clear.

“Ah, that’s all right. Stay where you are and listen. I’m afraid I have some rather unfortunate news.”
“What is it?”
“I wonder if you weren’t about to go call Saints, David, and Narkil, to fight those people.”
“Yes. So you’d noticed the vampires as well.”
“Well. But … it’s already useless, Captain.”

Something like resignation in his voice made Lily answer more sharply.

“It is too early to give up. If we gather the knights’ strength, we will surely—”
“And if I told you those knights have been dead for some time?”
“Hah. Don’t be absurd.”

She herself was one thing. The others were monsters in their own right.
They would not die so easily. That was what she had believed.

“I saw the bodies. Saints’s had already begun to rot. Meaning he was dead before he ever arrived at the castle.”
“Impossible! He was alive. I spoke with him!”
“He’d been ordered by magic to behave that way, I expect.”

No human magic could accomplish a trick of that order.
Lily felt, keenly, the distance between humans and vampires.

“David the same. He’d been dead several days. Narkil, I think, was a more recent kill.”
“Three of them already … damn it. Why did I never notice they had gotten in?!”

Lily, who had cut Camilla down, might have noticed.
But a Demi-Vamp’s appearance barely differed from a human’s.
The air they wore, too, would not tell you they were other than human unless someone said so.
So none of the knights had noticed.

“But … Madis and I are still here. There are three of them. If we lure them one at a time, perhaps—!”
“… Ah, Captain. I didn’t want to drive you to despair if I could help it. You’re an unreliable captain, but I thought you were our last hope. Still. Being left like this to become a piece of décor is, frankly, more than I can take.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Captain. Up. Look up. Have a look at the state of me.”

Lily looked at the ceiling as she was told.
Madis’s face was there.
He had been speaking to her as if plastered to the wall.
A knight clinging to a ceiling would not, in itself, have been strange.
It would only have been “not strange” if the rest of him, from the neck down, had been present in a normal shape.

“Hih—?!”

The sheer atrocity of him startled a feminine sound out of her.
It could hardly be helped.
His body was there, if one subtracted the flesh.
Not a single vessel had been broken. They were packed into the ceiling like fine thread.
Arteries, perhaps, or veins; here and there they pulsed, as if the stone itself had taken on life.
The spine was embedded in the wall the same way.
The organs hung like a chandelier.
That not one of them had torn was probably because the connecting vessels had been reinforced by magic.

“How’s that? Tasteless, wouldn’t you say? Still—getting to see, at the end, that even the captain has a womanly side. Lucky, in a way.”
“Ha … hah, hiiih … w-who … who would do this …?!”
“Leia. The witch who lives in the castle. She was a vampire long since. No—not only her. All of them. The summoned, the soldiers—every last one of them is a vampire now.”
“That—then the king?!”
“Dead, I should think. Or being used as a toy while still alive, like me. Ah, but I haven’t seen the princess.”
“Th-then she may still be unharmed?!”
“Hope, then. There might still be some.”

Lily was already so hard-pressed that her mind felt ready to break. The mere possibility that Sara might be safe was enough to force herself upright.

“Captain. If you would—kill me, would you? Crush the heart and I think I’ll die.”
“… That is—”
“Living like this is a good deal worse than dying. And they don’t seem to regard men as ‘life’ at all—myself included. Stay alive and it might only get uglier.”
“You’re certain?”
“You do go on.”

Lily drew her sword and set the point to the hanging, pulsing heart.
At the last, Madis asked a question of the woman whose face had twisted with the difficulty of it.

“That’s right. One last thing I wanted to ask. What will you do now? There’s no one left in this castle on your side.”
“I will take Her Highness and flee.”
“And after that?”
“If Her Highness remains, the royal blood is not cut off. With the king gone, protecting that line is my duty.”
“Loyalty as ever. The kingdom won’t reward you for it. Humans are creatures of the individual, in the end. Stake your life for the herd and you still won’t be paid.”
“You’re more talkative than usual. What are you trying to say?”
“Something I’ve always thought. Ah—this is the last, so once you’ve heard it, kill me quick.”

It was his will, no doubt, and his own sort of kindness.
The greatest gentleness he could offer a woman who was weak, and who had been warped by the weight of being made captain.
Madis spoke with his usual irony.

“You’re a pitiful one, Captain.”

Lily put strength into the hand on the sword.
A small, wet sound.
That was all it took. The blade sank into his heart. A great quantity of blood spilled, and the organ stopped.
A body through which blood no longer moved went quickly toward death.
The pulse in the vessels laced through the wall ceased. Madis closed his eyes, slowly.
There had not been much pain, it seemed.
That, perhaps, was the only mercy.

Lily looked up at his dead face in silence for a while. Then she shook her head as if to throw off something that clung, and left the place.
Was the last hope still there?
She let the dark images rising one after another slide past her, and went toward Sara’s rooms.